Robbery Done Wrong
by Elred Bluegreen
Summary: With Osaka involved, not even a street crime can go off normally. ONESHOT.


Author's note: A random idea I had. No way it fits into BLA (Why so serious?!) but I've had writer's block for weeks or more, and my Full Metal Jacket idea was just too screwed up. XD Read and Review with Impunity! Because if YOU don't... who will?

Osaka saw the man coming a mile away. The whole leather-jacket-and-sunglasses outfit gave him out just as far—no doubt he was a robber or something, and she could hardly contain her excitement. I'm about to be robbed, she thought, cool! Thus, she wasn't surprised at all when the blue-handled switchblade flew out and snapped open, and the husky voice ordered her to hand him her wallet. Just like on TV.

"Well, c'mon, kid! I ain't got all day!" He growled, waving the knife around menacingly. "Hand it over!"

"Just take it easy, mister. I won't scream. I just want to talk for a minute." Osaka pulled out her cell phone and held it out to him. "Just so you know I'm serious."

The man was speechless for a second, before taking the phone with the most confused expression. "You... you're serious? How the hell do you know I didn't come to kill you here?"

"Because then you'd just kill me and take my wallet and stuff while I couldn't do anything." She pointed out. Apparently, she was oblivious to the switchblade the robber still held.

"Makes sense, but maybe that's what I wanted you to think."

Osaka opened her arms. "Then kill me now."

Freaky.

"Who the HELL are you to talk like that?! I may very well do just that!"

"But you haven't, and you won't. Real murderers don't waste their time talking to their victims like this. Not if they've already threatened them." She didn't even look scared. In fact, she wasn't.

"Well, fine, but you'd better give me your wallet after this. And I'd better not have the cops at my doorstep tomorrow because you ratted me out."

Osaka smiled, nodding gratefully. "Thanks a lot, mister. You're the best!"

"Excuse me, but I came around waving a freakin' knife in your face!" The robber closed the switchblade and clipped it on his belt. "I stole your cell phone and I'm going to take your wallet! How can you call me the 'best?!'"

"Well, because there's no way I can fail this report after putting so much effort into it! I bet that I'll even beat Chiyo this time!"

"Wait, a school assignment? You're using me to make an essay or something? What the hell is it about, anyway?!"

"It's supposed to be about the differences between TV and real life. You know, what's real and what isn't. I'm doing mine on criminals." She smiled proudly.

"You're open for a robbery victim..."

"Oh, right, I almost forgot I was supposed to interview you!" Osaka quickly produced a mechanical pencil and a notebook. "You're a career criminal, aren't you? That knife looks way too nice to have been bought for a one-time opportunity crime."

"You're like a detective or something. Don't tell me you're gonna be a cop."

"Hmm... I never had the idea... maybe..."

"Forget I said that." The robber crossed his arms in annoyance. "So, yeah, I make my living. So?"

"Do you choose victims you find on a whim, or is there some kinda formula involved?"

"Formula?" A rasping laugh that suggested too many cigarettes in a lifetime, "that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard! A formula for victims? Rich!"

"Well, you wouldn't rob me if I wasn't alone, right? I was walking next to this guy who looked kinda like Arnold Schwarzenegger..."

"That's not a formula, that's common frickin' sense! I don't know about you, but I don't want to get twisted into a pretzel!"

"Another thing is that I'm not very tall, right? Or strong or anything." Osaka held out her arm. "Hardly any muscle at all. If I was real tall or looked strong, you wouldn't have come after me."

"Yeah, so? Your point?"

"Finally, the location's prob'ly the most important part. You'd never rob someone coming out of a gym, would you?"

"Some guys would, but I wouldn't."

"How 'bout a Karate dojo?"

"Hell no."

"So, you do have a formula. You never rob people who aren't alone, look physically imposing, or happen to be in a place that suggests they can defend themselves." The girl kept taking notes in the notebook. "It all makes sense, doesn't it?"

"Well, I guess it does..." The robber shifted uncomfortably. Without even knowing it, this girl was calling him a coward! "But, that's not saying that I wouldn't rob someone outside those circumstances!"

Osaka nodded. "Exceptions to the norm. Are you only a robber, or do you do assault or murder or anything else?"

"I've got a broad resume. Robberies, a couple charges of assault, theft, grand theft auto... you know, small stuff."

"Couldn't you apply the same formula to those, too? You didn't steal a car from Sylvester Stallone."

"So I didn't. Whatever."

"What were the assault charges about?"

"That's... I shouldn't need to tell you."

"You won't be mentioned by name. You'll probably never see me again after this."

He thought about it for a second. "Fine," he growled. "You win. Story time."

"First time I ever showed up in court. Some bar brawl a few years back. My friend and I went there to celebrate our graduation from college when we got jumped. I got a few shots in, you know, defense, but I can't say the same for our lawyer. With criminal records, no one wanted to hire us, so things went downhill from there. Actually, buddy's still crippled from it."

"So, you didn't actually start the fight?"

"Nope. We had a few, sure, but neither of us was being aggressive. Almost everyone at the pub testified for us."

"I'm sorry for you. This whole thing's starting to make sense." More notes down in the notebook. "You said your friend was crippled."

"Doctors say he might never be able to walk again. Like they know anything." He couldn't stop a trace of emotion from creeping into his voice.

"Tell me about the car theft."

"My pal needed to get to the hospital, so I caught a car from some road rage jerk. Simple as that. We were acquitted, not sure why, but still."

"I'm seeing a pattern here." Osaka commented. "You care about your friend, don't you? Do you need money to pay his medical bills or something?"

"Why do you care?"

"Because the sooner he gets better, the sooner you can stop the whole criminal facade and find a real job, right?"

"Shut up. Sure, he needs cash, but..."

"My friend Chiyo's really rich. Maybe if you let me talk to her about it, she'll help you with the hospital expenses. I know her—she'd never judge you for a second."

"You... mean that? Like, seriously?"

"Of course I mean that. If you could pull her contact from my phone and dial it, that'd be nice."

"Why can't you dial it yourself?"

Osaka looked at him funny. "You trust me enough to do that?"

"Hm... yeah. Sure. Just make it quick."

She nodded, taking the phone back from his hand and plugging in the number. The line rang twice before the same sweet, small voice came on the line.

"Hello, Mihama residence!" Chiyo called out cheerfully.

"Hey, Chiyo-chan, this is Osaka. I need to ask a favor of you."

"A favor?"

"Yeah. My friend is here, and he's got a pal in the hospital. I was wondering if you could help us with the medical expenses."

"Sure. I might have enough in allowance, but my dad's really good on loaning me if it's for something responsible. I'll help where I can. Should we talk about this at my house?"

"Hang on a sec." Osaka covered the speaker on the phone. "Would you come over to her house with me? If we're gonna do anything about the bills, we'll probably need names, just to warn you."

"It's fine. Just do what you have to do."

"OK." She brought the phone back to her ear. "Sure, we'll be over in a little while. Thanks a lot, Chiyo-chan."

"Always! Goodbye!"

Osaka closed the phone and handed it back to her new friend. "We'll get this whole thing sorted out, mister. You just see."

"You keep that. And your wallet... it'll just be nice to see Hideyoshi off that damn wheelchair." His voice was rough and unusual.

"Do you have a name, mister?"

"Me..." a small sigh. "Katsuro Otaka. You?"

"Ayumu Kasuga. It's a pleasure." She extended her arm.

"Kasuga... well, what else do you need to finish that report?" Otaka took it in a handshake as the two started walking again.

"Nothing much, really. Just..."

Author's endgame: Review, people! Review! Review! Review!

Although this may seem like the start of something, it IS in fact a single-shot. (Primarily because I lack the basic writing ability to make even one chapter remotely interesting... :/) You can use the characters if you want (Not like there's much to work with there) just ask me first.

Finally, I do not recommend taking this approach with any actual street criminal. Seriously, just hand him the wallet. Don't Sherlock him into anything.


End file.
